Why do Baalei Teshuva always get hit the hardest?

BeyondBT, a blog that is designed to give support and connection to baalei teshuva, ran a post yesterday from Mrs. Kressel Housman who disabled her internet browser and gave up all online access at home in reaction to the 'historic Monsey internet aseifa' (gathering). The article is sadly titled "Cutting Connections" and is terribly troubling. Here are a few direct quotes:

At this point, I should describe my Internet use. In the late 90's, my husband created a kiruv website, beingjewish.com, and in 1998, I joined in with "“Kressel's Korner,"” which has gradually grown to include 14 of my original articles, most of which are about Jewish women's issues. I've met quite a few interesting people over the years as a result of the site, and I'’ve received many more complimentary letters. Each one of them was a thrill. For an unknown writer like myself, the instant audience available on the Internet is a dream come true.

In 2005, I discovered blogging, which far surpasses the website in dearness to my heart. My personal blog has 74 subscribing readers, most of whom are Jewish women of varying levels of observance. We read about each other'’s lives, celebrate each other'’s simchas, and support each other through the tough times. Baby pictures, daily gripes, Shabbos menus, divrei Torah - we talk about it all. I think of it as my “virtual veiber shul.” I love my Internet friends. And now I was being asked to give them up.

[...]

HaRav Solomon [a speaker at the aseifa]... quoted a man he'’d met whose son had gone off the derech.

"“I lost my father to Stalin, my brother to Hitler, and my son to the Internet,” said the man. “And the bitterest loss is that of my son because I know that after 120, I will see my father and brother in Olam Habo, but my son, I fear I will never see again."

As a sigh of pain passed through the audience, Rav Solomon thundered, "Who told that man he would merit Olam Habah? He allowed the Internet into his home! If he saw it was adversely affecting his son and did not stop it, he deserves at least as harsh a punishment, if not a worse one!"

[...]

After the asifa, I called my Rav to help me finalize my decision. Even with Rav Solomon'’s words ringing in my ears, the matter was not so clear-cut. I use the Internet to do mitzvos, so it seemed like a case of 'calculating the cost of a mitzvah against its reward, and the reward of a sin against its cost.'

My Rov is an absolute tzaddik. He gave me at least an hour of his time, probably more. It was in the course of that conversation that the tears began to flow. All the while, he gave me brachos that I should be rewarded for making this great personal sacrifice. He said it was mutar (permitted) for me to keep my email, use the Web in the public library, and compose one final post from my house that night so I could explain my choice to my friends.

What bothers me at the moment has nothing to do with the internet ban itself. What bothers me is that rabbanim take such advantage of baaley teshuva (BT) who rely on them completely for guidance in many lifestyle decisions.

Speaking from personal family experience I can tell you that the teshuva process puts the BT in a position where they cannot trust their own logic or common sense, because so many things that Judaism requires are not logical. Couple that with the enormous feelings of guilt for having done the wrong thing for so many years, and you get a person who is desperate to learn the right way and do the right thing but doesn't trust themselves to determine how to do that. This is a gross generalization and I'm sure many people have different experiences, but the large majority of BT's go through the process completely reliant on a mentor, a rav or shliach, who guides them step by step, like a child learning to walk, through the basic maneuvers of religion.

At some point though, every BT has to decide that they are done 'baal teshuving'. Some people have a hard time breaking away because they still don't trust themselves to figure out the gray areas in Judaism and are afraid to deal with the consequences of being unprepared. Others feel ready to make their own decisions regarding which chumras to take on, where to send their kids to school, which branch of Judaism is most comfortable for them, etc, but their mentors don't trust them enough to let go and insist on keeping a stronghold on the BT family and their decisions. And some just don't want to leave the comfort zone of being a BT, where they're treated with infinite patience and warmth to ensure that they view the teshuva process as a positive one. Whatever the reason, so many BTs are encouraged to leave all their big decisions to their mentor.

Everyone reverts to this kind of behavior at some time. When I come to a decision that is confusing or too difficult to make, I ask my husband, whom I trust completely, to decide and let me know. But there's good reason for my complete trust in him--it's in his best interest for me to be happy and fulfilled. That's why the only answer I ever got from him was, "only you can decide". Give me one good reason why a BT shouldn't get the same type of treatment. Once they've been in the system long enough, they are as equiped as any life-long observer to make personal decisions regarding their own Judiasm. Doing what the rav feels is right and being told to follow blindly might lead to a high level of observance, but it might also be very wrong for that individual. Of course one should strive to constantly grow and improve, but many areas are not clear cut good or bad, but rather issues that work in one situation and don't in another. With regard to halakha there is little room for personal interpretation, but with everything else, one must decide for themselves what will work.

All I know of Mrs. Housman is straight from her article, but she seems like a totally committed and educated frum woman. She lives in Monsey and attends aseifas, for crying out loud! At the same time, she may have needs that other frum women in Monsey don't, such as a venue for expression of her talent in writing, a network with other frum women for support and companionship, a way to contribute to the kiruv effort where she started, etc... Those were the things that she got from the internet. It is very clear to me that the aseifa was not targeted toward a woman like her, but rather to other parents who don't even know what the internet is and what their kids are up to! BT parents in general are much better equipped to deal with the supposed instant 'frei-out' that comes with a bit of exposure, so I highly doubt that anyone in her home is up to no good.

But because she has so much emunas chachamim and so much guilt and concern about doing the right thing, she took the message of the aseifa literally, as a psak din that must be immediately obeyed, rather than a project of awareness and education. That's understandable and, in fact, admirable. What's inexcusable though is that when she approached her rav for guidance, he only added to her state of panic. Forgive me for being so judgmental, but I'm sickened by that last paragraph. Why did this rov not suggest alternative ways to protect the children from the bad that's available while allowing the woman to continue her positive online activities? Why did the rov prey on her eagerness to do what's right by turning a hashkafa issue into an issur (prohibition)? Why would he treat her so condescendingly by blessing her for making the sacrifice and then telling her it's mutar to compose a goodbye note?!?

She says, "It was in the course of that conversation that the tears began to flow." Is it just me or does this situation resemble a tearful child being refused by a parent who pats them on the head and says, it's all for your own good. Treating people like children unable to make decisions for themselves is not for their own good. Denying people the right to a healthy dose of cynicism is not for their own good.

It's wrong of me to pick on Mrs. Housman--she seems to have thought long and hard about her decision. But her post managed to put into words what bothers so many people about the way BTs are treated. The mentor/rav/shliach essentially tells them, "you are not to be trusted, even by yourself," and leaves them in the most vulnerable position, plagued by self-doubt. What good could possibly come of that?