A real solution to underage drinking on Purim

If someone were to randomly surf the j-blogsphere in the last week, they would come away with the impression that the orthodox, Purim observant community has a serious problem with underage drinking and alcoholism in general. SephardiLady began with a stern warning for husbands, Orthomom rightfully ranted and raved about the dangers of underage drinking, Gil Student quoted R’Jachter’s denouncement of teenage drinking on Purim, and Charlie Hall pluged for a Jewish substance abuse program. To be fair, the orthodox Jewish community does not consider underage drinking and alcohol abuse a pervasive problem. I’m not a blind optimist, and I’m aware there are exceptions, but as a whole we are a functional and healthy community. But Purim comes along and everyone is up in arms about what to do when alcohol is freely available and its consumption made obligatory.

Since drinking is not inherently bad, and a l’chaim or two on Purim, even for teens, is generally allowed, it’s difficult to teach a youngster how to gage when it becomes excessive (and dangerous). I don’t care to discuss whether the mitzvah is to get plastered or just tipsy. The point is that every year there are accidents and extremely unpleasant situations that could otherwise be avoided. Blame can be shifted to the rabbanim who don’t make their positions against rampant drinking clear; yeshivos are also at fault for throwing unsupervised bashes where pushing the alcohol limit is encouraged. Wherever you point the finger, someone could be doing more. For now, I’ll let somebody else crusade for big time changes in the system. My problem is, how do I get my kids to learn how to ‘just say no’ and judge when enough is enough? The answer is: teach them how to drink at home.

When parents show their children that drinking can be done in moderation with full enjoyment, alcohol won’t be the forbidden fruit that they pounce on the second they can. For someone- even an adult- who’s never tasted liquor, a small amount can make then very ill. Most of the stories about kids who go into shock after a sorority hazing or bochurim that need their stomachs pumped after a mesiba happen to first-time drinkers. Believe you me that after a boy has spent a night in the hospital, he’ll revolt at any sight of alcohol for a long time. For some kids it’s enough to see their friends get smashed to turn them off of drinking and the disgusting aftereffects. But why count on an accident to teach the kids a lesson, especially when it is potentially fatal? Everyone goes through at least one hazing experience, so wouldn’t you rather they did it at home under your supervision?

I truly believe that if you give you stage a ‘hazing’ at home, you’ll teach a far stronger lesson than any talk could possibly convey. Pick an uneventful shabbos afternoon, let’s say, and you let your teenager drink as much as they’d like plus more. Obviously, be reasonable and don’t let the situation get dangerous, but most likely you’ll just have to bite your tongue and let your kid get very drunk. Let your macho big-guy feel the initial buzz, let them think they can handle it and drink more, let them later vomit their guts out in the toilet, let them sleep in semiconscious tumult, let them suffer through a dehydrated, killer-migraine hangover (all at home under your watchful eye) and then don’t every say a word about drinking again. After an experience like that, your kid will have internalized the consequences of excessive drinking, and you could send them off to any Purim party without worry in the world.

This isn’t child abuse; this is preventative parenting. I would never suggest you force a timid child who would otherwise shy away from dangerous behavior to experiment at home, but for the teen who is intent on pushing every limit—supervised experimentation is by far the most effective and safest scenario. Fear and threats don’t go far in an adolescent brain; in fact, the possibility of adventurous consequences makes it even more appealing. But first hand experience takes all the glory out of the ugly mess that severe intoxication really is.

I know this works because I’ve experienced this treatment myself. One example was when I learnt how to drive. I was 16 and had been taught well by my older brother, and I’d even taken a few official lesson to learn proper parking, etc…, but the day before my road-test my father took me for one final lessons. We drove into a large open lot and my father ordered me to floor the gas and go to the maximum speed the car would reach while turning the steering wheel in a full circle. I say ‘ordered’ because I was very unwilling—it sounded like sure death. But I did it, and of course we spun out of control. But I remember till this day with gripping fear what it feels like to lose control while driving and how impossible it is to get a hold of a speeding car. There were a few more exercises that afternoon (going 75 mph and then trying to stop short, sharp turns, etc…). I won’t get into the details because my mother might read this and my father would be in huge trouble, but the idea was that I tried all the dangerous behaviors with my father sitting at my side controlling the environment—no street signs other cars or obstacles, no friends in the car urging to drag race other friends, no dark streets... In short, nobody had to ever tell me not to speed or to wear my seatbelt. Reckless driving is absolutely out of the question. My younger sister, a well behaved child to begin with, never got that treatment, but for the kid that needs to hear the message loud and clear, talking just won’t do. The same holds true for drinking. Once a young teen has a terrible experience drinking (and it's up to the parent to make sure it's absolutely awful), chances are they’ll avoid repeating the scenario at least until they’re adults and can rationalize such self-destructive behavior.