It's true, I'm a STUDENT (unrelated to Gil)

Just recently I had to register for graduation from college. (Yay!) Unlike the typical female graduate in my class, I am

1. ultra-orthodox,
2. married with child,
3. non-feminist, and
4. sober.

This presents quite a few struggles. The most recent issue that I had to tackle was which last name do I put on my diploma? I got married after enrolling in college, so my academic nom-de-use has always been my maiden name. My professors know me as Ms. three-syllabic- eastern-european- crack-your-teeth- trying-to-pronounce-correctly. Anything I'd done academically went under that name, and when I eventually run for president I want my professors to be able to say, “I remember her, she was my student.” Add that to the fact that my parents paid for my ridiculously high private university tuition, and I ask myself, how can I not give my 'single' persona any acknowledgment? The problem is that, in reality, that person doesn’t exist any more outside school walls; I am now known to everyone as Mrs. three-syllabic- western-european- eat-a-knish-while-talking. I can't overlook my married name (for obvious reasons) so what's a girl to do?

If I take the feminist route and hyphenate, the resulting name will be illegal in many states (or at best, heavily taxed) and I'll never get a decent job or have any of my work published, because there won’t be enough room on a business card or book cover. Besides, what will my daughters do one day when they marry the next generation of heimishe-oh-too-long-to-bear Jewish name bearers? They'll be extradited to Thailand and forced to settle in Theppitak- karoon- boonyanan... (+ another 163 letters)! If I were a guy, everything would be so much simpler.

So, as a favor to humanity and a gesture to all my loved ones, I settled on keeping both names, but with no hyphen, so that my maiden name can be referred to with an innocuous middle initial. And that is how I averted a major family crisis.